which "part" of you shows up in conflict?

When you are triggered "which part" shows up?  I love this simplified explanation from Terry Real, an expert in Relationships.  There are three parts of us and when we are in a triggered moment, our Wise Adult (which lives in the prefrontal cortex) goes off-line.   

When you can recognize it, you can manage the situation so much differently then when you don't.
The three parts according to Terry Real:
`1. The Wise Adult - can be here, stop, think, reason, make a choice.
2. The Wounded Child - uses words like overwhelm, at my wits end, panic, anxious, can't take anymore - it's that 3-8 year old that wants to crawl on someone's lap and be held.
3. The Adaptive Child - this is a kid in grown up cloths.  A kids version of an adult.

When you are triggered, the Wise Adult goes off-line, and the Wounded or Adaptive Child shows up and defaults to 1 or 3 behaviors - fight, flight or fix.  All of which are unproductive.

When you catch yourself..... I'm triggered.  STOP - let your partner or person know that you need a few minutes to gather yourself as you want this conversation to be productive but you know in this moment you won't handle it well.  Remove yourself - but come back or check back in the agreed time frame.

This is the start to changing patterns that elevate conflict.  Remember, whoever you are in conflict with is someone that matters to you.  Adopting an US VS THE PROBLEM instead of ME VS YOU approach is going to bring love and connection to the situation.

In the workplace I may use words like WORKABILITY VS ATTACHMENT.  It is all to do with moving the protective personality out of the way and focusing on the best outcome for all involved.

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